Ramblings of a Mad Man

So as many of you know July 4th was yesterday, and for those who might not know this is the American Independence day. On July 4 1776 we told King George III (the ruling British monarch of the time) to go and shag himself. Being a king and not used to being told he was a wee pufta of a man by anyone let alone his inferiors, had rightly so, become massivly infuriated by such a grievous insult. So King George III then went to war with the upstart and snarky colonists. The rest they say is history, the colonists won, expanded across the land with their "Manifest Destiny" killing off Indians as they went.

July 4th is a time of bar-b-ques, drinking beer, explosives and general redneck revelry. So for those who might have missed the fireworks for whatever reason, allow me to post a few pictures of the local fireworks display that went on in my area. I hope you enjoy them, they aren't the best quality but they are some of my favorite.

I will start off the pictures with one of me prior to leaving for the show enjoying a nice cigar.

Dott had found these videos and shown them to me so I shall post the few that I thought where the funniest.

Today's show will consist of a vocabulary lesson intended to improve your ability to communicate in a vast array of smugness.


Snawky = Nauseating
Rutterkin = Swaggering Boar
Dretching = Tormenting
Theow = Servent
Dringle = To waste time lazily
Adaemonist = A person who denies belief in the devil
Afterling = An Inferior
Athel (accent on a) = nobleman
Aletude = Obesity, bodily fatness
Blore = To cry out or bleat and bray like an animal
Brangle (Verb) = to squabble or brawl; (noun) a muddle or state of confusion
Bronstrops = A prostitute
Chitty-Face = A person with a thin, pinched face; a term of contempt
Cockshut = Twilight; the time poultry are shut up for the night
Reaks = Pranks, practical jokes
Poop-Noddy = A fool or simpleton; the game of love
Porknell = One as fat as a pig
Quetch = To moan and twitch in pain, shake.
Quop = To throb, palpitate
Sloomy = Lazy, dull, sleepy
Smellsmock = A licentious man, a derogatory term for such priest
Snirtle = To snicker, to laugh quietly and mockingly
Swerked = To become troubled, gloomy. From the old Saxon Swerkan
Spit-Frog = A small sword, a term of contempt
Squiddle = To waste time with idle talk
Wallydraigle = A worthless, slovenly woman
Wink-A-Peeps = Eyes
Winx = To bray, as an ass

I now have armed you with a verbal arsinal of doom from Poplollies and Bellibones written by Susan Kelz Sperling. Go forth and impress your friends or even make new ones. Your welcome.

Welcome to the part of the show that I call Closed Caption. I take the pictures and add the caption that goes best with what's being conveyed with the picture.



"Hmm what shall I do today? I rolled around on the floor all last night. That's how I got that lint looking thing on my bloody forehead. Maybe I should sell myself on E-bay because it looks like Jesus on the cross. I wonder how much I could make."



"Worship and obey us, we are you're overlords of darkness."



"I taught, peace, love, and a way to my fathers kingdom. I just know that all mankind will follow these precepts without a hitch."



"1984 but later"



"Nothing more needs to be said"

The following things are what I consider to be strange, weird and just plain out there. May I present Exhibit A:



Exhibit B:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yPyLIBD0jK4

Exhibit C:



Exhibit D:



Quotes from above:
1) "Just like what Nazi Germany did to the Jews, so liberal America is now doing to the evangelical Christians. It's no different. It is the same thing. It is happening all over again. It is the Democratic Congress, the liberal-based media and the homosexuals who want to destroy the Christians. Wholesale abuse and discrimination and the worst bigotry directed toward any group in America today. More terrible than anything suffered by any minority in history." –Pat Robertson

2) "(T)he feminist agenda is not about equal rights for women. It is about a socialist, anti-family political movement that encourages women to leave their husbands, kill their children, practice witchcraft, destroy capitalism and become lesbians." –Pat Robertson

3) "You say you're supposed to be nice to the Episcopalians and the Presbyterians and the Methodists and this, that, and the other thing. Nonsense. I don't have to be nice to the spirit of the Antichrist. I can love the people who hold false opinions but I don't have to be nice to them." -Pat Robertson

4) "I think we ought to close Halloween down. Do you want your children to dress up as witches? The Druids used to dress up like this when they were doing human sacrifice.[Your children]are acting out Satanic rituals and participating in it, and don't even realize it." -Pat Robertson

5) "The key in terms of mental ability is chess. There's never been a woman Grand Master chess player. Once you get one, then I'll buy some of the feminism." -Pat Robertson

Hope you have enjoyed this random bit of weirdness.

Ok I am so pissed off. The Land Of the Lost TV show is being turned into a movie. It will star Will Farrell, and I have finally seen a trailer. I will not go see the movie, as it looks like it's just another pile of Will Farrell sized dog shit. You be the judge though.

Every have one of those days where it is a wonderfully sunny day. It's not to terribly hot, there is a slight breeze blowing from the west. You're face is raised to the sky as you sing to your hearts content, and you're dancing better than Elvis and it would make a Bollywood star green with envy.

Dance, dance, sing along. Grooving and a moving to the beat inside your head, a one man (or woman) electric boogaloo. All the beautiful people are drawn to the aura of your happiness and glorious melodies. Black Michael Jackson has no chance to compete against your spin dizzy style. Can you see all the happiness you are bringing to all the little people who have nothing in life to look forward to beyond the "reality" shows on the Boob Tube.

Even the Democins and Republocrats are holding hands, trying to teach the world to sing in perfect harmony. Can you feel it now? Are you trying to see, as if you have 20/20 vision? Are you even looking? Now I know you can imagine it now, you feel electrified by the magic of the madness. You personify all things that is ABBA and their dancing queen. Such glory at your fingertips. You could be more popular then Techno Viking, Chuck Norris, or even Jesus... Well if it weren't for the fact that a seagull took a dump in your mouth as you were praising the heavens with your face to the sky and mouth wide open.

Kinda leaves a bad taste in your mouth doesn't it? Now all you can do is hold your mouth open making "Waaaa!" noises and looking helpless as the masses of former happy shiny people are disgusted by the foulness on your tongue. All you want is some water to wash it out, yet none of these bastards is willing to look at you with out dry heaving. Now you will be forever known as poop mouth, so enjoy your music video...

Ever so slowly I am hating my job more as the days go on. My co-workers are twits. Customers are whining twits who seem to think that because I am pumping their gas that I am an ignorant baboon who somehow is connected to the oil cabals and have a direct say in the rise of gas prices.

I had a customer today ask why I didn't top off their gas. I, in my best rational voice simply replied with "It's against the law, we aren't allowed to do it anymore." The lady had the audacity to say "We follow God's law" I looked her in the eyes and replied with "Well you go complain to God, and then you can tell me what she said". Which I had then walked away as they were making fish faces gasping out of water. Bear in mind they had several Jesus stickers on their car.

An article in the Registered Garbage summed it up nicely as another gas attendant simply said, "I am not a cop, or politician making the big dollars. Why should I be responsible for policing your stupid law?" (This is not an exact quote but the overall gist of what they were saying).

Some of these people I wish would just curl up and die thank you very much.

So here is an update on the house bill to tax bicyclists. I had written an email to our fine representative and had actually gotten a response, much to my surprise. I thought for sure that I would have been shuffled off to some corner and branded a commie sympathizer. I will post my email and response that I had gotten back below (For some reason it double posted this but shows up as a single post in the writing stage).

My E-mail:
From: James Henry [xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx = email address]
Sent: Saturday, March 21, 2009 6:37 PM
To: Rep Krieger
Subject: Oregon House Bill 3008

Instead of damaging the roadways with motor vehicles, I have chosen a greener way of traveling to wherever I need to go. That's right I am a bicyclist, and I have decided not to put money into the coffers of greedy oil barons. If you want to tax people for destroying roadways fine, but tax the people who actually do the most harm.

It is legal in Oregon to mount studded tires on your vehicle between November 1st and April 1st. This does far more damage to the roads in this state then a mere 10 lb bicycle. I for one follow the laws of the road rather strictly, that's right, I stop at stop signs and lights, I wear reflective gear and lights at night and I even "Gasp!" signal if I am turning or stopping.

If you are looking for a petty way to hurt people financially in our economic crisis then I firmly suggest you get a hobby. Preferably one far away from the public, it is my belief that you are a public menace sir. So stop trying to stick it to people who bike because it's healthier, cost effective, and better for the environment.

Their Response:
Flag this message
RE: Oregon House Bill 3008
Wednesday, March 25, 2009 11:07 AM
From:
"Rep Krieger" <krieger.rep@state.or.us>
To:
"James Henry"

Wayne Kriger an Oregon state legislator has the most brilliant idea of wanting to make bicyclists pay a $54 sticker tax every 2 years to help maintain roadways.

Here is a portion of the story quoting Wayne Kriger and the whole of the article can be found here. http://bikehacks.com/would-you-pay-to-register-your-bike/

Kriger may have gotten the idea for this bill from his own hometown. Here’s how he describes the local bicyclists of Gold Beach, OR.

“They are riding on the edge of the fogline, with their butt and elbow into the traffic lane even when they have a bike lane to ride in. They do that because the bike lane isn’t swept. If there was a bit more money in the pot, maybe ODOT could sweep it more often.”

Kriger goes on to say the following:

“Talk about a time when you need some revenue for transportation…bikes have used the roads in this state forever and have never contributed a penny. The only people that pay into the system are those people who buy motor vehicle licenses and registration fees.”

The first thing that came to my mind when I first heard about this bill is that bikes cause little to no damage to roadways when compared to cars. Here in Oregon, motor vehicles can run studded tires between Nov 1 and April 1. Bikeportland.org thought the same thing, and asked Kriger about this. His response:

“I don’t think it’s a legitimate argument simply because the majority of the bike lanes are adjacent to the highways so if we made our highways wider, with more engineering, that drove up the cost for bikes. We’ve put millions and million into bike lanes. The people that get that service (use of bike lanes) provided for them, they need to contribute…these people are sort of sitting on the sidelines.”

Besides cyclists ’sitting on the sidelines’, it would appear that too many cyclists in Oregon are breaking traffic laws…and Wayne Kriger would like to keep better tabs on these cyclists.

“If you see somebody operating a bike and you see a license on it and they break a law, now you have something to write down. Here in Salem a lot of people are tired of how folks blatantly break laws on their bikes… and I’m not talking about kids, I’m talking about adults. If they have a sticker than you know who it is and you have some way to track them down.”



If you feel strongly about this then I urge you to e-mail, call or write to Wayne Kriger at the following addresses. Help stop bureaucratic assholes from running amok in your state.

E-mail: rep.waynekrieger@state.or.us

Phone: 503-986-1401

Mailing address: 900 Court St. NE, H-381, Salem, OR 97301

Of course there are those who know of my fascination with lycantrhopy and werewolves in general. Though shape shifters aren't always werewolves they are the most common form used to scare us in literature, comics, cartoons (see user pic) and movies.

Depending on the region of the storyteller will depend on what the villain shifts into. In Europe where the main predator was the wolf it was easy to demonize the animal if it attacked your livestock. People to this day, blame wolves for the killing of their cattle and sheep.

In Norse myth, we get the term berserkers from the word bearserkers. These Bearserkers, wore the skins of the bear as a testament to their battle prowess, and before battle, they might groan, grunt, gnaw on shields and or weapons to invoke the spirit of the bear which would give them a rather crazed and frightening look.

The people of central and south America believed that some people could transform into the shape of a Jaguar, a large and powerful cat. Mostly these people where the shamans as they where the most connected to the gods.

North American indigenous people (native americans) have various forms of shape shifting. They often take the form of the actual animal in of itself, unlike the modern werewolf that turns into the wolf man hybrid.

Here is another video of which I had stumbled upon, it's a little over 10 minutes in length but it is well worth it in my opinion.

There are times when I say the darnedest things. Like for instance, looking someone at work in the eye and asking the following. "Have you ever thought about sneaking into a crematorium, just to stick your dick in an urn so you can say you fucked a dead person?". Maybe I need a hobby? And no not anything like having sex with dead people type of hobby.

I think a large part of it is because I don't say much at work anyway, that and there are very few people there that I can even tolerate let alone like. The lead worker doesn't want to do anything beyond texting on his phone, another person runs around doing twice as much work as he needs to do so he can play the martyr. One of my co-workers talks to customers even as other customers drive up and he doesn't even see them cause he's too busy yapping. The list goes on and on. There are a couple people out there that are actually pretty cool, a younger guy who does work his ass off is pretty cool, another guy who is very quiet which if fine by me. An older guy, who is gloom and doom about everything, but still interesting to talk to. The rest aren't really worth describing.

I am rather thankful that in today's economy I do have a job, so don't get me wrong. It's very trying sometimes working with these people, let alone some of the stupidity from some of the customers. 1) Driving off while the hose is still in their car, 2) complaining because so and so, or such and such isn't to their liking etc... Granted I don't have to deal with these people for very long, but they make up for it in sheer volume.

That's part of the reason why I would like to get back into school. Yes the classes probably wouldn't help me much in getting a better job (but you never know) and it's something I really cant afford. But what's life if not learning. I think a large part of the problem is I get bored rather easily, mind begins to wander and wammo! Out of the dark recesses of my mind the crematorium thing pops up.

Oh well another day in the weirdness of well.... Me>

So for those who don't know , Thorazeen was a character I played in a D&D campaign. He was an elf, and I played him a little off kilter. For the most part the party liked him even though his methods where pretty unorthodox. This party at the time was predominantly elf, with a bounty hunter, archer, ranger (who wanted to jump over hellfire), myself (Thorazeen), and the one exception a Dwarven fighter who rode on a pig named "Bacon". The one elf that didn't get along with Thorazeen was the archer, but when it came to push and shove in a fight, these two got along rather well, and they put away their dislikes for each other and became a good team for the duration of the fight.

There was one dungeon we where in, a castle named the grinder. We had numerous run ins with the bad guys and we had to distract them in order to allow an unexpected ally to bring reinforcements. As the crazy guy, Thorazeen challenged the bad guys big fighter who was an anti-paladin. So Thorazeen went through a rather extensive warm up stage that involved him in only his underclothes.

Well in case you might be wondering where I am going with this nostalgic musings on past campaigns I shall tell you. I was cruising through you-tube and I was browsing some anime titles that I have been interested in purchasing. Of course I wanted to see more then the previews on other anime disks had provided me with. I had then stumbled upon this video of a dancing character that so reminded me of Thorazeen and it made me laugh my ass off. Perhaps you would have had to of been there to achieve the full effect of it all. So anyway, for your viewing pleasure, I am pleased to announce "Dancing Thorazeen".

A few years back I was living with a couple friends on south Willamette street and we were renting the house from one of the roommates mom who owned the place. It was a rather cool place to live and we all got along reasonably well. Unfortunately all good things had to come to an end and we had to move as the mother had decided she wanted to sell the place. But at least she had given us a couple months worth of notice. I bring this up only because the place that I moved to next was on campus and so, so, small. I had to make a decision on getting rid of books and which ones I was going to part with (this is something that is very difficult for me to do as I am a book whore to the extreme).

Now to present, I live in a fairly large house again and I have been finding some of the books that I have had to get rid of and started repurchasing them (sad face for spending money on something I had spent money on once before). I actually found a decent edition of a leather bound copy of the Iliad/Oddessy together in one volume (the suck thing is I didn't ever remember getting rid of these on purpose in the first place as I had paid an arm and a leg for the original volumes).

So yes I had to pry my wallet apart (as I had been given a fairly large gift card for Barnes & Noble, so I didn't spend my own money) and paid for it. The search goes on for many of the others. Including my Serial Killer collections, and books on Black Magick.

Of course Dott has a nice collection of books as well, since she is an avid reader as well. The bad thing is she has never been to Powell's Bookstore in Portland before, the good news is they have recently added a fourth floor to the store. So this gives us an even bigger reason to save up some money and go on one hell of a book buying spree. Much like Dave, Stewie/Scott and I had done in the past. Well I think I was the one that purchased the largest quantity of books but we all found something that we wanted while we were there. I do visit the Smith Family bookstores quite often so it's not like I pay full price on everything but Powell's is definitely something that should happen in the near, near future.

So I have been seriously contemplating going back to school. But what to take, with my limited time, money and my vast array of interests. I will be taking classes on such things as sorcery, magic, wort craft, etc. I think it will be a definite plus, that and just plain bizarre. Who doesn't consult someone on how to find... True love, riches, revenge. I could get all mystic like, wave my hand around and spout some mumbo jumbo about the shattering of the universe.... But in all seriousness though it's been something I have been wanting to do for a very long time. It's not like I don't have the library of books to study from.

To bad I didn't decide to do this earlier, cause I got summoned in for jury duty. I had a myriad of excuses as to why I shouldn't be on a jury and absolutely none of them worked. How Bullshit is that. To bad I didn't think to put on the slip that I was a Jehovah's Witness or something.

Work has been a royal pain in my ass lately. It's not that pumping gas has any cerebral challenge to it, it's just that the customers are that damn dumb. We have had an older lady drive off while gas was being pumped into her car. I have seen her do it twice now where I work in the span of just a few weeks. If she does it at my station, she more then likely has done it elsewhere. Easy solution, shred her license, take her car, put her in a home.

Then you have other customers such as a damn dirty hippie who couldn't follow directions during a peak busy time of night because someone from across the station didn't come over and help him. I asked him to drive up to the next pump so as to get more then one customer in. He sat there and bitched and moaned that co-workers of mine where busy helping their lines of customers. I then went to the next car in line, ignoring the hippie. I asked the driver to pull around hippie to the next pump. It was a tight squeeze and he took it slow, I then helped him first, looked at hippie and said "There's another person helped before you, now what do you want?" He apologized and I pumped his gas, he said he was having a bad day, blah blah blah. Well if he had to deal with 20+ people just like himself in a day then yes he would be having a bad day.

And to top it all off, I was randomly reading some friends blogs here and they had mentioned that they had been added by some stranger as a friend. I then checked and I had been added as well. So I will leave this open so the mystery person can read this. Take me off your friends list, I have no interest in this foolishness.

For those who may be a fan of the Wheel of Time series then the wait for the final book is about to end. According to the Dragon mount (http://www.dragonmount.com/main.php)web site it will be released Autumn of 2009. Here are a few things you might want to know about the book.

Title: A Memory of Light
Author(s): Robert Jordan, Brandon Sanderson
Editor: Harriet Jordan

Brief Bio on Brandon Sanderson: Brandon Sanderson according to dragon mount was hand tapped to finish the 12th and final book by Harriet Jordan herself. He has written other fantasy books such as, Elantris, Mistborn: The Final Empire (Book 1 of the Mistborn trilogy), The Well of Ascension (Book 2 of of the Mistborn trilogy), and Alcatraz Versus The Evil Librarians (Young Adult novel). Brandon Sanderson is quoted as saying that this will be the last book in the series started in book one of the wheel of time series.

That's right, the beloved TV show Land of the Lost will be released as a movie later this year. The great news is they will feature the beloved Sleestaks, the humanoid reptilians from the show. The bad news is it will be starring Will Farrell. When I had seen he was in the movie, I wanted to shoot myself in the head. So yes, my school girl scream as I waved an effeminate hand in front of my face as I got misty eyed, quickly turned into the image of an extremely old wrinkly woman servicing a circus midget with herpes type of boner kill.

And now for something to brighten ones day with a bollywood clip that has dancing, singing, and an Indian George Michael impersonator.

Halloween of this year is the date we had set. This will be an extremely small affair and will involve family and a few friends. The friends to get selected first will be those who had actually attended one of our last 2 Halloween parties. Depending on other family that shows up will depend if we expand that friend list. So now people can dance in the street, or on the ceiling or wherever it is you dance.

Random Quote: "There's not a tampon in this world that will give you the joy and freedom portrayed in a Tampax commercial."

So the end of the world is near? Well I am sure it is being said somewhere so buy your end of the world supplies.
Here is a list of things that you may wish to stock up on for the end of the world.

Toilet paper is essential, it has so many uses.


A good secret hideout is important. End of the world Zombies can't eat your brains if they can't find you.


Unique weapons to ensure your hidden domicile isn't compromised.


A good guard dog never hurts.


How I would rule the world after such cataclysm

You Scored as Cthulhu You are Great Cthulhu! You lay and dream at home (or the beach) most of the time but one day (when the stars are right) you will suddenly have the power to get out there and show the world what youre made of! Lets hope you dont do too much damage......